Writing a review for Transformers: Age of Extinction is a pretty pointless endeavour. You know how you imagine it will be in your mind? Well that’s exactly how it is. Michael Bay is still completely incapable of telling a coherent story, instead focusing his indefatigable energies on blowing stuff up in not quite new and not quite imaginative ways. Yes, like an unstoppable juggernaut of stupidity, here he comes again to bludgeon his audience to death with explosions sponsored by popular household brands.
So, the plot. Well there are good robots, bad robots and dinosaur robots – are you with me so far? Then there are good humans – Mark Wahlberg’s Texan inventor, his whiny teenage daughter and her cocky rally driving boyfriend (handy that), and bad humans – Kelsey Grammar and his CIA henchmen. The bad humans are trying to steal the secret of the Transformers DNA, while the good humans are trying to protect Optimus Prime and his metallic buddies. That’s about it, since Michael Bay didn’t bother thinking through the minutiae of the story, I don’t see why I should either.
Speaking of doing a half-arsed job – whatever happened to Mark Wahlberg? For a long time I’ve been giving him the benefit of the doubt but I think my Boogie Nights based goodwill has finally stretched to breaking point. Here, he is absolutely rubbish – barking lines of dialogue at top speed and top volume, eyes wild with the struggle to convey any kind of emotion. The fact that his character is supposed to be a genius inventor just makes it all the more comical. A close second in the confusion stakes is Jack Reynor, star of What Richard Did and utterly out of place in this bombastic setting (a fact that is probably to his credit). The only ray of light is Stanley Tucci, who has the good sense to take none of it seriously.
A dishonourable mention also has to be given to the product placement, the volume of which is staggering. One of the Transformers is specifically sponsored by Oreo and Bay even thoughtfully squeezes in some products specifically for the Asian market. His complex business mind did miss a trick however, this film is so long, it would have made more sense to have a commercial tie-in with Preparation H. Anyway, if you’re a Bay fan by all means see Transformers, everyone else I’m sure will steer clear of their own accord.